The Name's House, Greg House
by ClinicDuty101
Summary: James Bond House parody.Greg House is a doctor to the secret agents. He receives a mission of his own to bring down the pharmaceutical company ‘Voglar Tech’ before it sends out its brain numbing drugs out to the world so Voglar can assume power and rule.
1. Prologue

The Name's House, Greg House

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Okay, this could go completely wrong or it can go…smoothly (I hope)…

Here's my character list: James Bond: House

Bond Girl: Cameron

M: Cuddy

Q: Foreman

Comrade: Chase

Villain: Voglar

Moneypenny: Stacey

And I know Bond doesn't have a partner except for the Bond girl but I'm going to have Wilson as a sidekick. I hope you don't mind…

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I don't not own any of the characters whatsoever. I can't even afford to hire them for ten seconds.

Also this is after the Ketamine treatment but before he converts back to the cane…so he can walk! Wooo, but I'm still going to burden him with leg pain.

The phone rang in the Clinic room where Dr. Gregory House, doctor to the secret agents was playing on his Gameboy.

Lazily he reached over and picked up the receiver.

"Yeah."

"Greg, is that you?"

"Of course it's me Stacey, who did you think it was?"

"Oh right, well Cuddy wants to see you in her office."

"Why? I was just getting past the level where I can upgrade my car to an Aston Martin DB5."

"Yeah whatever that is…just come up and see her."

House put down the receiver and jogged up the stairs to enter the head of MI9's reception area. Before he entered Cuddy's office he leant over Stacey's desk and stared into her eyes.

"Why in the hell did you get married?" House asked

"Because you were performing surgery out in Cambodia on Agent 6." Stacey reminded him.

"But you knew I was going to be back."

"Not for long Greg, not for long."

"I'd marry you if…" House was cut short by the phone ringing.

"Yes Cuddy." Stacey answered. "Yes he's here, I'll send him in." She then put the phone back down.

"Until next time…" House called while strutting across the room.

He rapped on the door twice and heard his bosses voice call "Come in."

"_I wonder who I have to fix now_." House wondered.

But this time it wasn't to care for anybody. It was to go on a mission. A mission he would never forget.

**AN: Shall i keep writing? Or shall i quit before i've even started? Your choice...**


	2. Partners And Briefing

Chapter 2

**AN: Here it is chapter 2! Enjoy!**

"Hello House." Cuddy announced getting up from her seat and sitting on the edge of the desk.

"Cuddy. So who's bleeding and dying this time?" House asked.

"Actually you're not going to have to cure anyone for a while."

"What?" House said shocked. "Are you sacking me?"

"No. I'm not sacking you."

"What are you going to do to me then?" He now asked curious.

"I need you to go on a mission for us."

"What type of mission?"

Inside Cuddy's office she held an interactive whiteboard; she grabbed the remote and turned the projector on. This revealed a slideshow about some one called Voglar.

"This…" Cuddy started pointing to a picture of Voglar himself "is Edward Voglar. He's a multibillionaire and owns a company called 'VoglarTech'. VoglarTech as you may have heard, is a pharmaceutical company that rakes in millions of dollars every year for producing different drugs that claim to 'help the public'." She paused for a second, "What I want you to do House is find out about the new drug they are manufacturing. They argue that it can cure headaches but we're pretty sceptical about it."

"You mean you're sending me on a top secret mission, like what you send Agent's 6, 9 and 2 on?"

"Not just you House." Cuddy interrupted.

"Who else is coming?" House enquired.

"Send him in." Cuddy said into the speakerphone.

The door opened revealing a man younger than House himself but he looked too whimpy to be a spy.

"Greg, this is James."

James Wilson nodded over in House's direction and stood like a soldier awaiting orders.

"What's your last name Jim?" House asked.

"It's Wilson, but I prefer to be called James. Not Jim."

"Sure thing Jim."

"On second thoughts maybe I shouldn't put you with him James." Cuddy apologised. "I forgot how **immature** he can be."

"It's no problem. I like having someone to work with who is a challenge to find a quality to like." James smiled.

"Hello? I'm still in the room!" House said waving his hands in the air to grab the pair's attention.

Cuddy turned back to House and continued.

"Because I knew you would drive James mad I also have another recruit going with you." Cuddy informed them, and once again she spoke into the speakerphone.

This time to enter the room was a man even younger than James.

"Don't tell me this preschool kid is coming with us?" House whined, "I was learning to deal with one partner, let alone having to talk with another idiot!"

"As one of my employees once told me Greg, "you can't always get what you want.""

"Yeah, go steal my pearls of wisdom why don't you. Next you'll be trying to dress formally for work."

"I do dress formally for work" Cuddy stated.

"If you call letting those puppies out for some fresh air formal then I can go have wild sex with Stacey on her desk."

"Get out my office before I pull you off this mission and fire you." Cuddy said glaring over at House. "You need to go and see Foreman before you leave. He'll equip you with your gadgets and weapons."

"So I get have a gun?" House asked excited.

"No. Chase and Wilson do." Cuddy remarked smiling sweetly before ushering them out of her office.

**Please Review :)**


	3. Gadgets

Gadgets

As they made their way down to the basement House decided to question the youngest member of their trio and find out if he was made of the stuff for House's team.

"So, what's your name?" he asked Chase.

"Robert." He replied in an Australian accent.

"That's quite a heavy English accent you got there, ever had tea with the Queen?"

"I'm Australian."

"England, Australia. Same thing." House shrugged. "So how comes I never heard of you two before?"

"I've just started here." Chase responded.

"I just got out from the army." Wilson said.

"Where's the crew cut?" House asked admiring Wilson's hair. It was a cross between Hugh Grant's hair and some other famous person he couldn't think of at the time.

"Not all soldiers need a crew cut."

"But I thought you all needed to look the same." House expanded. "Same hair cut, same uniform, same underwear if some people ran out…"

"House." Chase said cringing.

"Look there is Foreman's lab." Wilson pointed out. All three of them were standing outside some big silver doors that used to belong to 'the freezers'. Now it had become Foreman's lab for making his fantastical gadgets.

"Well go on in then." House urged wanting to be out snooping around, feeling like a proper agent.

"Hey guys!" Foreman called beckoning them into the ice cold room "come on in."

"Haven't you thought of inventing a heating system?" House shivered.

"Everything needs to be cold so it doesn't overheat." Foreman explained. "Right, House. This is for you."

Foreman handed over a cane to House and saw House look at him in disgust.

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" He said looking at the cane.

"No. No House I swear it isn't. Cuddy asked me to make it."

"What does it do? Look like a cane? Wow I could've brought one from my apartment."

"This is a special cane. Installed inside is a grappling hook. It can span out 300 metres and hold the bodyweight of two fully grown men."

"Is that all?" House asked unimpressed.

"It also contains a tracking device and gas bombs."

"How do I deploy them?" House asked now slightly interested.

"You double tap the floor with your cane." Foreman answered unaware of the repercussions.

House tapped to floor twice and made a run for it.

"Hou…" Foreman shouted sleepily before slumping against the table.

"Gonna…" Wilson sighed as he too fell asleep.

Chase just laughed and fell on top of Wilson.

As the gas had cleared House walked in and said quietly.

"Have a nice sleep guys."

**AN: Sorry i took so long! Review please next chapter will be longer :)**


	4. Flirting in the Canteen

Flirting in the Canteen

**AN: Woooo! I've finally updated! It would've been last night but the stupid documents manager wouldn't recognise the file :(**

**But all is good and here it is.**

House was in the canteen flirting with Stacey.

"House, I'm married. Leave me alone." She said walking over to a table with a gray tray full of food in her hands.

"Come on. You know you can't resist me." He said arrogantly as he took a seat opposite of her.

"Haven't you got a mission to be going on?" she asked whilst picking up a sandwich.

"Well my team just simply haven't woken up to the matters in hand yet." He smiled.

"What have you done?"

"I haven't done a thing." He replied innocently, but there was a twinkle of mischief in his icy blue eyes.

"So why are they not with you?" Stacey asked, taking a sip of her cappuccino.

As she lowered the cup it revealed a foam moustache which House couldn't help but laugh at.

"What?" she asked paranoid.

"You have a…" he indicated to her upper lip.

Stacey quickly grabbed a napkin and wiped some of it off but not all.

"Here." House said taking a napkin and moving around to her.

"I can do it." Stacey had taking the napkin from his incoming hand; she knew from experience that physical touch made her melt for him. But she was a married woman now and Gregory House was not to get what he wanted. She was stronger than that.

Cuddy had entered the canteen and instantly spotted House looking dreamily into Stacey's eyes as she rubbed the rest of the foam from her lip.

"Where are James and Robert?" Cuddy asked with her hand on her hips.

House stood up from his chair and looked down at her.

"They are what you call…asleep on the job." He smirked.

"I find that hard to believe House."

"Don't believe me? Come to Foreman's Lab then."

"Didn't I send you down there to collect your gadgets?" she asked raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah you did."

"And did Foreman give you the cane?"

"Yeah, you know it's pretty mean to make me a cripple again…and here I thought you wanted me better all of those months ago."

"I was a good disguise and you know the enemy wouldn't suspect you as an agent."

"But it just brings back all the painful memories…" House mocked, but his leg presented him with a stabbing pain and he buckled to the ground.

"House? Are you ok?" Cuddy asked concerned.

"Vicodin." Were the only words House could manage in all his pain.

"We don't have any here." Cuddy said helping him up from the floor. "Stacey, go to House's office and look for his Vicodin."

"It's in…desk drawer." House gasped.

Stacey ran out of sight and everyone in the canteen was now looking at the drama going on.

"Nothing to see here." Cuddy said leading House out of the canteen. "My office is only down the hall…hold on."

House nodded and let himself be lead by his Boss to her office.

"If I wasn't in so much pain Cuddy, I'd think you'd want to have your wicked way with me." House smiled.

"You wish Greg."

As they entered the office he hopped over to the sofa and lay out.

Cuddy picked up the phone and dialled down to House's office to notify Stacey of the change of their location.

Within no time Stacey was back and holding a bottle of Vicodin.

"Thanks." He said as he poured two out into his palm, he gulped them down dry and waited for them to work their magic.

"You can go back to your lunch break now Stacey." Cuddy said.

As Stacey went to leave House came out with,

"Aren't you going to stay and mop my brow?"

"You're not dying so I don't see the need to."

"I couldn't have said it better myself." Cuddy said smiling over to Stacey. "You can have an extra fifteen minutes on top of your lunch."

"Thanks Lisa." And with that Stacey walked out of the office.

Cuddy walked over from her desk and sat herself in a chair. She crossed her legs and placed her hands on either side of the armrests.

"I don't think you're ready." She concluded.

"What? It's just a little leg pain. So long as I have the Vicodin with me…"

"What if you forget your Vicodin? You put yourself in danger and you put your colleagues in danger. Is that what you want to happen?"

"I wouldn't mind putting Chase and Wilson in danger…" House joked.

"Not funny. You are responsible for them. If they screw up. You screw up, and vice versa."

"Look, this is an opportunity of a lifetime you've given me. Why let a little leg pain stop me from doing that? If my leg starts to play up some more, then I'll take myself off. Ok?"

"Ok then." Cuddy said shaking his hand in agreement.

Little did Cuddy know that House wouldn't tell her if he was having worse leg pain. No one needed to know.

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James and Robert had finally woken up on the cold floor.

Robert shivered and found he was lying on something relatively warm; he looked down to see James underneath him.

"Comfy?" James asked sarcastically.

"Yeah I was thanks."

"You planning on getting your ass off me anytime soon?"

"Oh, sorry." Robert said rising up from the floor. His muscles were aching from the cold, although he was thoroughly refreshed from his sleep.

Foreman was sitting up from his position over the table; he stretched and continued talking as if they hadn't just been asleep.

"Robert, here's a ring." Foreman said presenting Chase with a silver band.

"What's it do?" Chase asked as he put it on his third finger of his right hand.

"It contains a tracking device and has a small microphone, so if you get stuck somewhere House can receive you from the bottom bit of his cane." Foreman paused and looked around the lab. "Where is House?"

"I have no idea." Wilson said rubbing the back of his head. He felt like he'd been out on a stake out all night, Chase sleeping on top of him hadn't been one of the most pleasant sleeps of his life.

"James you have one of these too." Foreman said presenting the same style ring but in gold. "Now you have to wear it on your wedding finger." Foreman informed Wilson.

"Why's that?" Wilson asked.

"Because your cover is that you are married to the woman agent you'll be meeting later on."

"What's her name?"

"Allison Cameron."

**Review Please :)**

**Also could you check out my oneshot that i wrote yesterday called 'Confidant'. A review is muchly appriciated.**


	5. Time to Party

Time to Party

James and Robert had finally met up with House who was still resting in Cuddy's office. James looked concerned as to why House was laid up on the sofa, but Robert just remained oblivious to everything.

"Why are you wearing a wedding ring?" House observed looking up at Wilson smirking.

"Because my cover is that I'm married to the agent we're going to meet at Voglar's party." James said stiffly.

"Ever seen the film Mr and Mrs Smith?" House asked.

"No. I was a bit preoccupied with fighting out in the desert."

"Oh, you missed a great film. Especially with Angelina Jolie wielding a gun."

"Is there any point to this conversation House?" James asked restlessly.

"Didn't she have a gun in the Tomb Raider movies?" Robert asked.

"Yeah." House replied "But who likes movies which originate from video games?" House asked, "Anyway Wilson…"

"The name is James."

"Wilson. The basic plot is that they're both secret agents and they don't know it, but they're married to each other and then they get assigned to kill each other."

"Let me run to the video store and rent it out." Wilson said sarcastically.

"Hey! I'm the only one who's allowed to use the sarcasm here."

Wilson was just about to tell House that it didn't say anything in the contact about House being the only one to use sarcasm, when Cuddy entered the room.

"Right, your car is ready." She informed the three men.

"Goodie. Is it a sports car?" House asked getting up from the sofa.

"Not exactly." She replied.

"What? I can't go to the party James Bond style?" he said gob smacked.

"Do you want to give yourself away as soon as you get there?"

"Well no…"

"Then be happy with what you're given, it may not look much but it does have some "James Bond style" gadgets in there."

"Oooh. Like what?" House asked brightening up.

"There's an ejector seat, smoke bombs, tracking device…all the stuff that makes the enemy slow down." Cuddy said listing all the mod cons.

"So what car is it?"

"A Ford Escort."

"What?! Couldn't you spend out a little?" House said outraged.

"Knowing you House, it would probably get smashed up in a matter of seconds."

"Who's to say I'm driving? I may make Wilson drive."

"What are you going to do if I don't know how to drive?" Wilson asked.

"Don't they teach you anything in the army?" House shouted. "And I'm not letting junior drive either."

"House, I'm twenty eight. I know how to drive a car." Chase said smoothly.

"You drive on the wrong side of the road. You are not driving." House said over his shoulder.

"Why are you making a big deal about this?" Cuddy asked.

"Because A) I haven't got a decent car to arrive in and B) I have no driver."

"But you can drive." Cuddy said lifting an eyebrow.

"Yeah, but I was hoping someone else could drive for me."

"Well Robert can drive." Cuddy said not understanding House at all.

"I'll have to drive then." House concluded, ignoring Cuddy's comment.

"Well get going otherwise you'll be late." Cuddy said urging them out of her office.

"Didn't anyone tell you?" House asked as he was about to walk out.

"What?" she said placing her hands on her hips.

"Being late is fashionable now."

"Just go already." She said waving away House's comment.

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The three men arrived at Voglar's party an hour late.

They had all gone home to get dressed up and House didn't pick them up until half an hour after the party had started.

Chase and Wilson looked very smart in their tuxedos; House however was wearing his usual attire of a Rolling Stones t-shirt, a black blazer, black trousers and black converses.

"And what was the point of you going home?" Wilson asked as he adjusted his cufflinks. He was sitting in the passenger seat and Chase was in the back.

"To catch the latest episode of Gray's Anatomy." House smirked.

"Did you bring your cane with you?" Chase asked.

"No." came the reply from the driver's seat.

"You're going to blow our cover!" Wilson shouted.

"Calm down Action Man. I just won't make myself known."

"From what I've heard you always make yourself known." Wilson said.

"We're here." Chase informed the bickering pair.

As they got out the car the valet parking approached them.

"Would you like me to take your car sir?" he asked.

"Yeah, you can take it to the scrap yard." House joked.

The valet driver raised an eyebrow taking him seriously.

"I was joking." House said slowly to patronise the driver.

"Oh." He said.

House chucked the keys to him and said "I want it back in one piece."

"Most certainly sir."

As House, Wilson and Chase walked into the lobby. A brunette walked gracefully over to them. She was around Chase's age and she was wearing a blue cocktail dress.

"Hello honey." She said kissing Wilson on the cheek. "How was work?"

House and Chase's tongues fell out of their mouths; this was the agent they were going to be working with!

Wilson just smirked and thanked God that they were 'married' for the night, he hoped maybe even longer.

"So are you going to introduce me to your friends?" She asked with a smile taking Wilson's hand in her own.

"This is Robert Chase. He's a Chemist, and this is Gregory House. He's a doctor in the local hospital."

She shook both of their hands, House didn't want to let go of her perfectly manicured hand, as she spoke he imagined her in low riding jeans and a lab coat.

"Let's hope I don't have to see you at the hospital soon Dr. House." She smiled.

"I'm great with physicals. I don't have cold hands." House said showing a hint of a smile.

"Come on honey. Let's go get some punch." Wilson said steering her away with a hand round her waist.

"See you in a bit…" House waited for her answer.

"Allison."

"See you in a bit Allison."

Then there was Chase and House left in the lobby.

"I'll go look for Voglar." Chase said slipping off.

"And I'll go and sit at the bar." House said to himself.

**Review Please :)**


	6. Edward Voglar, Pleased To Meet You

Edward Voglar, Pleased to Meet You

**I've updated! Finally! hehe**

"Find out anything?" Chase asked as he took a seat at the bar next to House.

"Yeah, this Baileys is fantastic! Why didn't anyone tell me about this before?" House asked cradling the glass to his chest.

"I meant work related." Chase said rolling his eyes.

"Oh well from your sad look you haven't found the guest of honour." House observed from Chase's glum features.

"No, I asked around everywhere it seems that we may have had a wasted journey." Chase sighed.

"Oh well…" House said looking glum for all of a millisecond. "At least I can drink as much Bailey's as I like."

"You do know you have to pay for them." Chase asked and then spotted Wilson and Cameron.

"What was that?" House asked now onto his third glass.

Wilson and Cameron came over to the bar and informed Chase and House of what they had found out from mingling with the guests.

"What's wrong with him?" Wilson asked uncertainly.

"He's gotten himself drunk on Baileys." Chase sighed.

"So I'm in charge then." Cameron said and flicked a strand of hair which was in her eyes.

"So what do you propose we do?" Chase asked Cameron.

"Split up again and look for Voglar again." She commanded.

"Meet back here." Wilson chimed in.

"Ok." Chase and Cameron said simultaneously as they split off in three directions.

"Another Baileys please" House asked the barman.

"This one's on me." Said a voice from behind.

"Thanks buddy but I only accept drinks from women." House said turning around and nearly falling off of his stall.

Standing in front of House was Edward Voglar in all his glory, he was giving House a welcoming smile and House was too drunk to see past it.

Voglar had already figured out who House was.

"You're doctor House aren't you?" Voglar asked handing over a ten dollar bill to the barman.

"Yes I am. And who may you be?"

"Edward Voglar. Pleased to meet you." Voglar greeted as he shook House's hand.

"Oh so you're the guy this party is for."

"Yes I am. I'll also be giving a presentation about the new drug I will be putting on sale soon."

"The one that cures headaches?"

"That's the one."

"You got anything for hangovers? Because I got the feeling that I'll need it in the morning."

"Sorry, I haven't but I've got to go give the speech now, so I'll speak with you later."

As Voglar walked off Cameron came running towards House.

"You found him!" she breathed.

"Actually he found me." House informed her.

"Did you tell him your name?"

"Yes why?"

"Oh this is bad." She said looking around the place for Chase and Wilson. In the end she raised her 'wedding ring' to her mouth and whispered into it.

"Wilson, Chase get back to the bar immediately!"

Within a couple of minutes they had both scuttled back with worried looks on their faces.

"What's the matter?" Wilson asked.

"House told Voglar his name." Cameron said looking over to the drunken House.

"And that's bad because…?" Chase asked not understanding the severity of the situation.

"If Voglar knows House's name then he knows where House works, what position he is in. He'll know everything about him." Cameron informed him.

"We better get going then." Wilson said taking charge and giving Cameron the keys to drive.

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They were back in Cuddy's office and House was sleeping off his drunkenness on her sofa.

"…So Voglar knows who House is then?" Cuddy asked the three of them.

"He told him who he was whist he was drinking." Wilson sighed as he looked upon the sleeping figure.

"He is becoming more of a liability than I thought." Cuddy said placing the side of her palm to her head. "I'm going to have to kick him off the case."

**Review Please :)**


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